I am told that I am in a ‘situation’.
At home, we don’t even talk about it, some friends might think that it was long due; after all it had been long enough since I had submitted imperfect and perhaps even dishonest assignments and had been getting away with it, and some just say “oh don’t worry it’s a blessing in disguise”.
But why does this have to be a ‘blessing in disguise’? Why don’t people think that it’s just a blessing? Oh right! Because I failed a paper, and failing in anything, no matter what the modern & motivational society might say, is still considered a faltering step. No one will be walking with you; they’re either waiting for you to catch up or waiting for you to fade away. Today you are a bad or ‘unfortunate’ example, tomorrow if you are able to overcome it, you will be inspirational, and if you don’t? Then what? You think you’ll fade into oblivion? No. Society isn’t so kind. You will be that person who went to a prestigious college with intellectual people and got lost in the current, someone who lost themselves.
I told you, society is not kind.
A small note here, for everyone who had a problem with people who submitted assignments late or submitted ‘edited’ assignments and thought it far better not to submit an assignment at all if it was not going to be original- well I listened to you. So don’t you dare tell me I was lazy!
Although, now and then, something that remotely resembles a positive thought in my mind tells me that it’s a good time to figure things out, to really learn things about myself and clear a path to pursue something that I can be most useful doing.
“What is it that you’re REALLY interested in? What are you passionate about?” are some sample questions that I am faced with from friends and adults alike. There are two possible responses to this:
1. “Who knows man? I’m full of rainbows and unicorns. Are you happy now?” she says as she continues to take a drag from her trailing joint.
2. To make an honest attempt at answering the question.
This question might seem simple. You make a list, and then pick something you REALLY like out of everything else, and pursue it, simple right? But my friend, do not be fooled. It is NEVER EVER about what YOU really like. If it was, this concept of a gap year wouldn’t even exist.
Normally, if you tell your parents or friends about the strange things you are interested in and would god-forbid like to pursue, for example- fashion, art appreciation, costume designing (I dare say) etc., it is met with either, “But all that is so obscure. We don’t have money or time” or even worse, the hesitatingly encouraging response, “But you know, it’s all good, but it’s not realistic, I mean it’s really tough to get into that niche. But I’m sure you can try”. My response: “K. Kewl.” But I know what they’re really saying is “Aww Rachel, you have such great taste, but you and I both know that you’re not intellectually capable of doing it. Don’t push yourself darling. We all love you.”
Honestly, I prefer the former reply to the latter; at least I’m being told to my face, “Daughter, you are not pulling this existential & cultural hippie shit with me. Stop whining and go get a job.” Tis cool. Sometimes it actually helps to put things in perspective. But these hesitantly encouraging people are the people I would like to punch. (Yes, my split personality does not have a filter and frequently indulges in violent acts such as arson and homicide). Some people confuse being nice with being diplomatic, that is firstly horse shit and secondly spineless. My favourite teacher once said, that if anybody ever asked us to describe something, “never say it’s nice”. Because nice is the vaguest, most obscure word one could use to describe anything, so why would anybody want to be just nice? Being kind is something, being honest is something, but being nice is worse than being nothing. Being nice is almost like being slimy & sly, because you’re so opaque.
But, to reiterate my point, it is never about what you want. What you want, might be simple, but to actually take a step towards it, is not. It’s easy to ask me to ignore society and keep pursuing what I am passionate about, but how can I ignore my only constant support, my parents. No. They have always been good to me, and I would not want to see them unhappy or hurt. “I may be a hateful bitch, but I am not a hurtful bitch” says my split personality who likes her parents as much as she likes everything they dislike.
Sometimes, I feel like I am the only person who failed because she deserved to fail, like there wasn’t a calculation error, and that I really failed. But then that side of me that resembles positivity and rationality tells me that it MAY not be like that, and that it will all pass.
Do I know what I really love? No. Am I in a position to confidently pursue something and put everything at risk? No. Am I a rebel without a cause? I hope to the Lord I pray to, that I am not.
So this year, I am making both these people in my head meet each other and sort things out, hoping that one doesn’t kill the other off. Maybe then, I will truly and passionately love something. I believe that when you pursue something you truly love, nobody gets hurt. And if somebody’s hurt right now, then it’s not right, just yet.
Give time some time.
Rachel Issac, who used to grudgingly write things in history assignments that she didn’t much care for and now writes tech articles, that she still doesn’t care much for, but is grateful about. (Maybe those two really are meeting now!)